The Potent Mind Blog

ABOLISH SELF-ESTEEM

Self-esteem is about whether or not we're "good enough," or "okay," or "adequate." It comes down to black or white, either we’re normal, or something's wrong with us. We grow up with this distorted thinking from childhood. As kids we’re taught it's black or white, you're good or bad, a success or failure.  Well-meaning family, friends, and even therapists often feed into this black and white thinking, telling you “you're not a failure you're a success”, or “you're not bad, you’re good,” still leaving you in doubt. Positive, or healthy self-esteem, generally means you consider yourself a "good person" and "fairly normal" however you define that.  Self-esteem is also tied in with self-worth, which can also be very black or white, you're worthy or unworthy, and also can take extremes where some might believe that they are more worthy than others, or that they are totally worthless. Either way is toxic.

As adults we can understand that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures- that we are all alike in certain ways and unique in others.  There's no black or white definition or cut-off for what makes a person "good enough" or "okay.” If we all have flaws and imperfections, then we are all "okay" and we all have room for improvement. So then what is the value of asking ourselves whether we are "good enough or not?" That is a very defensive, judgmental, and anxiety-provoking question to even ask, and just asking this question causes unbelievable emotional suffering.

So the concept of self-esteem only causes insecurities and anxiety. We all have positive and negative traits, we make mistakes, and I believe that asking this question, about whether we're normal or not, prevents people from growing, because it assumes that only abnormal people need to change or to pursue self-growth. That's just B.S.

My brother, a therapist, asked me what would replace the concept of self-esteem? Why does it need to be replaced? What role does that concept fulfill, if we decide that we can all improve ourselves and grow throughout our lives?

But if we must replace the concept of self-esteem here is how we can do it:

1) Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, no one is more worthy than anyone else, we don't judge others and no one has a right to judge us. This includes acceptance of ourselves the way we are, and others the way they are, and compassion for ourselves and for others.  This is non-judgementalness.

2) Work on self growth and improving ourselves for our entire life. Embrace it, enjoy it, and encourage others. Get rid of the defensiveness, the judging, the blame, and the guilt!

3) Determine your values, and your priorities in life, and live them.

4) Learn and practice mindfulness, being present, focused, and not judging.

5) Don't expect or wait for your thinking from childhood to change.  It's there, embedded in you. That self-doubt, that black and white question about whether or not you're good enough will be there, practicing these steps will help you work around it.

As David Burns, M.D., well-known cognitive therapist writes, “Self-esteem is not a useful concept.”

Please write me with your comments!

Dr. Gelbart

PRESENCE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

    "Recessional-Holiday Stress: Pulling Through"        By Jerry H. Gelbart, M.D.

                                www.ThePotentMind.com

This year's holiday stress and blues are sure to hit harder for most of us as the economy has tanked and our nation is at a turning point. There are a lot of scary things going on in the world, and I don't have to name them for you.

As a psychiatrist I'm already seeing some of the toll in my outpatients and those in the hospital: there is a lot more anxiety, fear, overwhelm, confusion, and despair.

What can we do to get through all of this emotionally? A lot.

First, it will help to understand a few practical aspects of how the brain works.

Fear causes the brain to:

1. Go into a "Danger" or "Threat" state
2. In this state, our thinking:

       Becomes narrowed

       Becomes black and white, "all or nothing"

       It's difficult to focus the mind on other things until we no longer feel threatened.

    

Fear puts a strain on our coping mechanisms

 

1. We all fall apart in different ways:

       Trouble concentrating, distractibility

       Obsessing, anxiety, overwhelm, irritability, trouble sleeping, guilt

       Depressing, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness

       Panic attacks, confusion

2. Our insecurities come out

       About our financial independence

       And about whether or not we're "good enough", a "success" or a "failure"

    

Fear is future oriented, depression is past oriented.

 

Stress is related to fear, fears about not being able to do what we need to, or is expected of us. Stress tells us we're trying to do too much. If we listen to it and set limits it can be healthy. If we don't regard it as a healthy signal of our limits we ignore it by telling ourselves we "should" be able to handle it, that we're "less than" if we can't. This is the path to anxiety, panic attacks, depression, insomnia, feelings of inadequacy, and can also cause physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, cardio-vascular, abdominal or breathing problems. Get professional help with that!

 

Depression comes from believing that you are helpless, that you are worthless, or inadequate, and perhaps that there is no hope.

 

Sadness comes from acknowledging a loss, grieving, accepting in our heart that something or someone is gone, or that we can't have something we want.

 

Depression is related to how we judge ourselves or how we believe others would judge us if they knew our details. Depression is related to shame and low self-worth, and is full of distorted thinking. Depression is an illness, which can be treated, while sadness is a normal human emotion.

 

Sadness, loss, not being able to have or hold onto what we want, not being able to give more to those we love, this is painful for all of us. Accepting these limitations without judging or blaming helps us move through it, while depressing, judging ourselves as inadequate or as a failure creates suffering which is totally unnecessary. In fact it also creates suffering for those around us.

 

"Blues" may be simply feeling sad, or may be more like feeling depressed, with a lot of self-judgment.

 

Are you feeling sad, or depressed?

 

Expectations play a major role- these include our expectations of ourselves, and what we think others expect of us. If we cannot meet these expectations we can feel frustrated, ashamed, guilty, and judged, which leads to more negative feelings.

 

We can all see that this year there is more need than usual. Our partner, our kids, our society, the planet… humanity. Not to mention ourselves. And while there is more need than ever we probably have less to give-- materially, as well as emotionally.

 

While taking better care of ourselves may or may not make us financially more productive (it probably would) it is likely to help us feel less stressed and less depleted, and we will have more to offer others. Self care is for everyone, "psychological problems" or not. Self care includes taking care of our Biological, Psychological, Social, and Spiritual needs. The concept is accepting our limits, financially, emotionally-- not having to feel ashamed or judged about it. We will have more to give others when we put ourself first. We will be more present, focused, compassionate, and available.

 

Mindfulness Practice is now crossing over from East to West and becoming incorporated into mainstream psychological treatment. I believe it benefits EVERYONE to learn and practice it, and in many ways it is an antidote for these "afflictions."

 

Mindfulness:

1. Helps you get out of the past, out of the future, into the present.

       Increases awareness, focus, prioritizing, "presence," connection with others

       Decreases depression, blues (past-oriented) and fear/anxiety (future-oriented)

       Feel relaxed

2. Helps you clean out your "mental garbage"

       Reduce and eventually eliminate your self-judging, and fears of how others judge you

       Reduces insecurities, stabilizes self-esteem

       Feel more compassion for yourself and for others

       Improves intimacy and spirituality

3. When we learn and practice mindfulness we have more inner "brain" resources for ourselves (problem solving and self-care) and for others!

    

SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

 

1. GIVE PRESENCE INSTEAD OF PRESENTS !!!
2. Learn and practice Mindfulness. See Bibliography.
3. Spend focused time problem solving financial issues, budgeting, getting through current recession versus planning for future. Remember to save a little for yourself. Get consultation as needed. Plan to spend the minimum over the holidays.
4. When not problem solving, tell your brain that there is NO CURRENT THREAT, that YOU ARE DOING ALL YOU CAN and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE. You have to work at consciously turning OFF your BRAIN FEAR SWITCH so that you will function better and suffer less.
5. Learn a relaxation technique. Practice it regularly. Breathing, Yoga, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Guided Imagery, Self Hypnosis. See Bibliography.
6. Learn to take routine care of your Body, Mind, Social, and Spiritual needs. Get help with that.
7. Make the holidays YOUR time. ACTIVELY CONTROL AND SET BOUNDARIES on how much time and energy you spend on yourself versus others.
8. BE SAD about what you can't do for others. Grieve it. Cry about it if you feel like. Then let it go. Tell people you love how sad you feel that you can't do more for them. They will likely tell you the same. When you do that you are being present, real, intimate.
9. Instead of stressing, depressing, blaming you can put your energies and time into CONNECTING with people you care about, honestly, expressing your sadness and love and also being able to get into the meanings and joys of the holidays rather than the materialism.
10. Spend a few minutes each day acknowledging who and what you feel grateful for. Do something to appreciate yourself. Express gratitude to others.

     

Dr. Gelbart

Dr. Gelbart’s SHORT Reading and Audio List

 

-Miller, Alice, The Drama of the Gifted Child; The Search for the True Self, Basic Books Inc., New York, NY, 1981.

-Burns, David, M.D., The Feeling Good Handbook, The Penguin Group, New York, NY, 1999.

--------, Ten Days to Self-Esteem, Harper Collins, New York, NY, .

-Hendrix, Harville, Ph.D., Getting the Love You Want; A Guide for Couples, Henry Holt and Company, New York, NY, 1988.

-Davis, Martha, Ph.D., Elizabeth Eshelman, M.S.W., Mathew McKay, Ph.D., The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook; Fifth Edition, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA, 2000.

-Cloud, Henry, Ph.D., and John Townsend, Ph.D., Boundaries, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, 1992 .  (Christian, found under religion)

-Boorstein, Sylvia, The Courage To Be Happy, Audio CD, Sounds True, Inc. 2000.

-Chodron, Pema, Comfortable with Uncertainty, Boston, Shambhala Publications, Inc., 2002

-------------, From Fear to Fearlessness,  Sounds True Publications, Audio-CD, 2003

-------------, Getting Unstuck, Sounds True Publications, Audio CD, 2005

-------------, Good Medicine, Sounds True Publications, Audio CD, 2001

-Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, New York, Simon & Schuster Inc., 1994.

-Dalai Lama, Training the Mind, New York: Simon & Schuster Inc., 1999.

--------------, The Universe in a Single Atom, New York, Random House Inc., 2005

--------------, The Art of Happiness, New York, Simon & Schuster Inc., 1998.

--------------, The Path to Tranquility, New York, Simon & Schuster Inc., 1999.

---------------, Destructive Emotions, Audio CD’s, New York, Audio Renaissance, 2003

-Hanh, Thich Nhat, Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, Los Angeles, Renaissance Media, 2001.

--------, The Miracle of Mindfulness, HarperCollins Publishers Inc, 1994

--------, Teachings on Love: How Mindfulness Can Enhance Your Intimate Relationships, Boulder, Sounds True.

----------, The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching, Broadway Books, 1999.

----------, The Art of Mindful Living, and series, Mindful Living CD set, Audio CDs, Sounds True Inc, 2000 and 2004.

------------, The Heart of Understanding, Audio CD, Parallax Press, 2002

------------, Anger, Audio Cassettes, Audio Resnaissance,2001

-Kabat-Zinn, Jon, Ph.D., Mindfulness Meditation, Audio CD, Simon & Schuster, 1995. (Also book Full Catastrophe Living - more “scientific”)

---------------, Coming to our Senses, Hyperion, 2005.

---------------, Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 1-3, Audio CDs, www.mindfulnesscds.com

Goleman, Daniel,Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, Audio CD and Book, 2006.

 

 THE POTENT MIND

A Program For Psychological Wellness and Effectiveness

 

You wake up one day and discover that you’re a starship flying through space. You realize that you=re also supposed to be the pilot, and that there is no flight manual.

 

“Don=t panic!”

 

We are each alone, autonomous, going through our own lives, from beginning to end.  We want to make the most of our time, connect with others, and to have as much control as possible.

 

We need training to fly our starship, most of which we don=t get growing up-- training on how to be present and focused, how to calm and settle our emotions, when to act on our impulses and when not to, and what we can do instead.  Most of us are not taught how to balance our lives by taking care of and respecting our bodies, as well as our emotional, social, and spiritual needs.  We’re nottaught how to not worry about our self-esteem. This worrying about whether or not we are Agood enough@ causes a lot of suffering and wastes a great amount of our brain capacity and human potential.

 

In order to take control of our lives and create a vision of our future fully open to our possibilities, we have to think beyond the beliefs and biases, or the Aprogramming@ we grew up with.  And we have to learn to navigate-- to create a course and stay on it. 

 

When we do we can go places we never dreamed of— ALive long and prosper.@

 

The universe, and our lives, are full of wonderful treasures and experiences, as well as pitfalls and dangers.  To be most successful you must learn to:

 

- be calm, present, and focused on your priorities

- understand your impulses and feelings

- let go of your emotional baggage

- avoid distractions and pitfalls, and get back on course when necessary

- take routine care of your body and your mind

- be motivated and have a positive outlook

- communicate and relate in effective ways to other beings

- be aware of a Agreater picture@ of life, the universe, time, and how you might fit in.

 

The Potent Mind teaches you all this!

Now available on 2-disc Audio CD

Which can be listened to in car

$29.99

 

Jerry H. Gelbart, M.D.     www.ThePotentMind.com

 

 

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