Biopsychosociospiritual Fulfillment
By Jerry H. Gelbart, M.D.
© 2007
WHO
I AM April,
2007
My name is Jerry Gelbart.
I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, went to college in Ann Arbor at the
University of Michigan and received a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. I attended medical school at Ohio State
University, and trained in Psychiatry at UCLA.
I=ve been in private practice for 18 years and I work with
in-patients and out-patients at John Muir Pavilion, as well as with outpatients
in offices in Orinda and Pleasanton. I=m current President of the East Bay Psychiatric Association
and on the Adjunct Clinical Faculty at Stanford, where I have participated in
psychotherapy research and supervision.
On another level, I=m an adult child of two Holocaust survivors. I might not
have said that in the past, but it=s clear and obvious to me how much of a role that plays in
my striving to reduce suffering and contribute to the future. I, and my brother (also now a therapist) grew
up in a middle-class AJewish-American” neighborhood full of stories of
victimization, persecution, rescue, and shame.
Guilt played a major role in my life, and also, as I later discovered,
buried anger at God. I always have had a
strong desire to reduce people=s hurtings, and also to do something significant with my
life to somehow compensate for my survival while all those other lives and
potentials were lost.
I went to medical school planning to be a psychiatrist. However, I took a 4 year detour into surgical
training and moonlighting in emergency rooms, which strengthened and matured
aspects of my personality to be more practical, focused, cool, and to Ado what you have to do@. During psychiatric
residency, in addition to the top-quality psychopharmacology training I
received, I pushed for comparing and contrasting which methods of psychotherapy
worked and which didn=t. It became
increasingly clear that the older types of psychoanalysis, and the more common Asupportive@ psychotherapies took forever to help people change. While working with UCLA=s Eating Disorders Program, I learned to help people
identify and understand what their bodies were telling them, emotionally and
physiologically. I found some intensive
short term psychodynamic therapies to be somewhat Asurgical@ in getting in, and getting out, and helping people to be
psychologically healthier. I=ve tried to dissect out which psychological symptoms can be
repaired using which verbal technique, and how these techniques can be utilized
to help people who are not psychologically ill to become psychologically
stronger and more effective. Rather than
a AShrink@ I prefer to consider myself an AExpander@ of the mind. I have
helped many people suffering from psychological symptoms with medication, and
firmly advocate biologic methods of treatment.
I=ve had an even greater passion however, for teaching people
how to understand their emotions, and how to put that information to use for
them-- to reduce problematic symptoms, find greater fulfillment in life, and
minimize the need for medications. More
recently, my studies in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dialectical Behavior
Therapy, Buddhism, my work at Stanford, and other experiences have allowed me
to synthesize a type of roadmap for people who may be suffering
psychologically, as well as for those who want to do more with what they
have. Such a roadmap has to pay attention
to all of the areas which are important for quality-of-life. These include our biology, our psychology,
our social relationships, and our spirituality.
By developing more effective, active psychological techniques, I can
teach people, sick and not-so-sick, to strengthen the psychological part
of their life. In doing so, each of
these other areas will become stronger, and they in turn will strengthen the
individual psychologically even more.
INTRODUCTION
Do you understand your emotions? Do you judge them? Do you ever wonder if you're going crazy, or
what your mental disorder might be?
Would you like to understand yourself and your emotions better? If you did, you would probably learn that you're
more normal than you think.
Do you ever ask yourself: why do I feel the way I do? Is what I feel important? In what ways?
When can I trust what I feel and when should I not? How can I "feel better?" How can I make other people feel better?
Have you ever had difficulty letting go of resentments
toward others about things that happened?
Do you ever blame yourself, perhaps beating yourself up or kicking
yourself emotionally, repeatedly, even when you can see there's no benefit to
it? Do you find yourself obsessing
around and around, about the past, or perhaps about what's going to happen in
the future? Do you ever feel insecure,
about whether you are "good enough", or "adequate", or
whether or not other people will judge you as such? Are you afraid to say no? Are you afraid of people who might
"emotionally persecute" you?
Do you ever feel like you're marked with a "V" for
victim? Do you tend to jump in and
rescue people? Do you ever lose control
of your anger and say or do things that you later regret? In addition to the emotional suffering this
causes it wastes much of our precious mind resources with preoccupations and
unnecessary concerns. That removes so
much of our consciousness from out of the present, where it's really
needed. I’ll teach you specific
techniques and skills which can eliminate those obstacles.
In this course I’ll teach you how to:
let go of hostility, resentment and guilt
worry and obsess less
reduce stress. Even
better, do more and have less stress
find tranquility in this chaotic world
be more present, enjoy life more, and have more clarity in
decision-making
accept yourself and also strive to become better
have more love and compassion in your life
What do we mean by a APotent Mind?@ We would want
clarity of thinking, being able to focus on what we want to focus on when
we need to, thinking objectively even in the midst of distracting
information and emotions. We would want to be able to relate to, but act
independent of what=s going on around us.
We would want to have a sense of calmness, peacefulness in our mind, to
be relatively free of negative emotions such as guilt, resentments, hurts, or
fears. We might also want a sense of
comfort with our self, and adaptability to varying situations. You can have
this!
We can be most effective and healthy mentally when our mind
is clear, our emotions calm, our attention is in the present, and we are aware
of our goals and priorities. It is said
that we only utilize 10% of our brain.
If we could learn to utilize another 5% that would be a huge increase!
You can learn to utilize parts of your brain that have been mostly dormant, or
used only spontaneously or accidently.
New technology such as functional MRI can show us live in
real-time what areas of our brain become active (or quiet) when we relax, or
when we feel certain emotions such as anger, fear, or compassion. We can now
connect findings of these scans with what we know about sickness and wellness
and understand what we need to do in order for our mind to be healthier and
more effective. By strengthening our
mind, we will also be strengthening our body, our relationships, and our
potential to contribute to society, the planet, and the universe.
Evidence is increasing that stress and anxiety are costly in
terms of physical damage to our body, via cortisol, the cardio-vascular
and immune systems, and direct damage to brain cells. Most people would agree that holding in
anger, resentment or other emotions creates many problems in terms of tension
and frustration, hostility, and sometimes depression. This can also become distracting, reducing
our effectiveness, and interfere with our relationships and goals. Most would also agree that low self esteem--
lack of confidence, excessive self-doubt are handicaps. Anxiety, stress, maintenance of dysfunctional
and sometimes self-destructive patterns, pride, resentment, as well as other
emotions and impulses frequently get in the way of reaching our full potential.
A recent article in a neuropsychiatric journal described
functional MRI studies involving resentment and forgiveness. A study using cognitive therapy for
post-traumatic stress disorder showed improvement in symptoms related to
learning how to be more forgiving. That
is, letting go of resentments. These
exciting scientific studies are starting to bridge huge gaps between Buddhist
and religious themes of forgiveness, compassion, and mindfulness, on the one
hand and Western psychological models of emotions and psychodynamics on the
other.
Studies with similar types of scanners have shown that a
specific part of the brain Alights up@ when we focus on ourself as different and unique from
others, versus another part of the brain which is utilized when we lose track
of ourselves, and focus more on the universe, our interconnectedness, and more
cosmic and spiritual types of things.
Each has advantages and disadvantages and there are times when one focus
is more beneficial than the other. We
can learn to utilize the part of our brain that will be most useful to us in
the moment.
I hear some people say, in effect, AI don=t do feelings.@ We may often wish
that we didn=t feel, or that we could only feel positive and not negative
emotions. Emotions have evolutionary value.
ADoing feelings@ wisely can reduce the suffering from negative emotions and
give you a sense of peace and fulfillment.
ADoing feelings@ wisely can help you not only to survive but to thrive.
There are many skills that you can learn and practice
wherever you are in the spectrum of Apsychological wellness to psychological illness@. The model that I
present, and the skills I introduce can be put to use by most anyone. If you=re serious about this, apply what you=re hearing, seek additional guidance through books and CDs
(see bibliography), workshops and groups when you can find them. If you run into trouble a therapist might be
helpful. The rewards for your work to
strengthen your mind will be multiplied as you see the effects on your body and
physical health, on your relationships and your career, in having a better
sense of a place in the universe, and overall quality of life. In a practical, nuts and bolts fashion, this
audio will outline how to get from here to there.
END TRACK 1
Beginning of Part I
“You create your own
universe as you go along.”
Do you sometimes feel like you=re on autopilot?
Do you sometimes feel like no one=s steering?
If you were a starship and your emotions the navigation
system, could you understand it and use it to reach the stars?
Imagine unpacking your emotional baggage and learning to
live lighter. Imagine you=re an airplane, or a spaceship. You=re also the pilot.
The pilot needs to be present, clear minded, focused. He or she needs to know where they=re going, and what the priorities are. In our case, emotions play a huge role in
navigating our lives.
Our feelings, impulses, and emotions are the foundations of
our most primitive survival system. Much
of it is difficult to put into words and to describe in any type of clear,
consistent way. Most people are confused
about their feelings. Learning how we
can let go and move past negative or destructive emotions and impulses from the
past, and to do this more easily in the future helps us to be more effective
and happy in life.
By listening to this workshop, you will learn to understand
your emotions. You will understand where
in your body you feel impulses and emotions, and what these body sensations are
saying to you. You will learn how to tell specifically when to listen and act
upon your emotions and impulses and when not to. You will learn why we have emotions, and how
they can not only increase our odds for survival, but also the likelihood of
our thriving and finding passion, wisdom, and fulfillment in our lives.
As you learn to take control and navigate your own
spaceship, you can learn to create a flight plan, and have a much better idea
about your destination. Each section will provide valuable gems that you should
collect and hold on to. At first they
appear to be simple rocks. However when
you crack them open and apply them regularly you will see magical changes in
your life, and the lives of those around you.
Understanding our emotions within a vacuum would not be
enough. To be effective in life, we must
understand our emotions within the greater context of our relationships to
other people, to our society, and to the universe.
To make this clear, we consider emotions in relation to the
following four categories or spheres:
Biology- our body and our brain
Psychology- the way we think, the beliefs we formed growing
up
Social setting- our family, environment, society, supports
Spirituality- consciousness and connection with a larger
picture, through time, space, and purpose, with or without a higher power.
All of these categories influence each other. This presentation will not only teach you
about your emotions, but also expand the discussion to show how utilizing your
emotions more effectively will help strengthen you in each of these other
categories-- and how that will be valuable to you.
Mind Gem #1: Strengthen
yourself biologically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually.
My goal is to help you to optimize your psychological
effectiveness. It=s not about therapy, it=s about self growth.
Who amongst us hasn=t had problems with their impulses, whether they are
impulses to eat, or to spend, to be aggressive, or to run away? We all feel these impulses-- sometimes they
may be healthy and other times not.
There=s been no clear way to describe and understand our impulses.
That is until now.
Have you ever felt like blurting something out? Do you ever feel like lashing out, verbally
or physically? Have you ever felt like
crying? Have you ever felt like hugging
someone? When you=ve done something embarrassing in front of others, have you
ever felt like hiding or digging a hole and sticking your head into it? These can be normal impulses related to
normal feelings. It doesn=t mean we always go and act on them. How do we decide when, and how, to show or
act on our feelings, and when not to?
In order to live a more potent life, before we act,
we must consider all of the following:
1) Is my Aperception@ of what=s happening accurate?
2) Are my emotions justified?
3) What are the possible outcomes if I act on the emotion or
impulse the way I feel like doing?
What outcome do I want?
You have to do all this in the split-second between
experiencing the impulse and deciding what to do with it. Believe it or not you can learn how to
do that.
We=ll get into specific techniques you can practice which will
clear your mind and create some space for thinking. You=ll learn how to recognize what=s happening in the moment,
and separate that from the past. You=ll learn to clarify and validate your feelings, and
understand how they make sense within the present context. You=ll learn to develop your own values and priorities, if you
haven=t already, and then how to choose the action which is most
likely to accomplish your goals. [pause]
Who we are is
dependent on what we do. It=s not about what happened to us in the past, nor is it about
what we want to do in the future. Who we are is not about some
pre-determined or inherent meaning or purpose of our life. It=s about what we do. It=s about the values and priorities that we develop, and how
we act on them in the present. Our feelings and impulses can be a guide for
us. Following them mistakenly can take
us off track and lead to negative consequences.
Running away from our feelings can cost us opportunities missed, and can
lead to self-destructive behavior patterns.
In order to be effective, we can’t be living in the past, or
worrying about the future. We must be
smack dab in the present. Before you can
fly your space ship, or learn to navigate, you have to get into the pilot’s
seat. For this we practice Mindfulness.
Mindfulness may be considered the AMaster Skill.@ It is about learning
to be present. In fact you can learn to
be so present you can be ahead of the game.
That is, first we learn by reviewing what happened, after the fact, and
what we could do differently next time.
Next we learn by seeing what is happening as it is happening and being
able to think it through before we act.
Strengthening of this ability to be present, not caught up in our
emotions, not bound up by our biases and judgments, comes from the practice of
mindfulness. As John Kabat-Zinn, a
well-known psychologist, says, at first mindfulness, present moment awareness,
is like a dial-up modem in that you purposely have to decide to do it,
repeatedly,-- but after practicing it becomes like a DSL or cable modem...
always on.
A lot of the work for each of us is to be more focused and
aware Ain the moment@ so that we can Astretch the time@ to analyze and decide the best course of action. We must learn to be Apresent and intentional@ so that we=re mentally there for the decision-making. We need to be more clear about what our
emotional system is saying to us, what part of that is from the present and
what=s from the past (we would call that baggage), and then to
decide how we can best use the information to get what we need, and what we
want. Those are essential elements of
what we call Awisdom.@ We are working at
developing a higher part of our mind, a Awise mind@ that can see above the distortions, impulses, and other
distractions.
In this series I will be as uncomplicated as possible. Simple but powerful practices such as
mindfulness, cognitive and emotional Afiltering@, and thinking non-judgementally can help free you from
negative emotions and open up your full potential. You can learn to get past the stories you=ve been telling yourself for years and plan a life you never
thought you could live. These techniques
require active, conscious practice. I=m eager to tell you about my own concept Aselfish compassion-ism@ and how many areas of life improve when people try this
out. You=ll hear about amazingly easy adjustments you can make that
will lead to drastic changes in your life.
Open your mind to thinking outside the box.
To really open up parts of our mind – new concepts, ideas,
potentials… we have to be willing to consider possibilities beyond what we
already know and believe. We have to
think dynamically rather than statically. We have to be willing to be
“coachable” and consider perspectives outside of our usual thinking. We should all respect the courage it takes to
question what we know, the willingness to stretch our mind, and go beyond where
we’ve been before.
In such a short time as we have here, I cannot teach you
each of the skills in depth, but rather instead aim to help you see the bigger
picture... that with regular Aexercising@ you can strengthen yourself psychologically in different
ways. You'll hear how these various
skills can be brought together under the "master skill" called
mindfulness.
I life guarded and taught swimming for many years. This audio presentation is like Atalking about swimming@. You don=t actually learn to swim until you get into the water and
begin, section by section, to practice kicking your feet with a kick-board,
holding onto the side of the pool and practicing turning your head rhythmically
to breath, and rotating your arms all as the teacher instructs. Each section (arms, legs, head) may seem
purposeless when considered separately but gradually as the sections become
more and more technically correct, stronger and coordinated, we have a
beautiful, efficient new skill that we can use on many occasions.
We=re out of the water now and for this to mean anything to you
you have to think about what your strengths and weaknesses are and which of
these skills might improve your life.
And you have to jump in the water and practice the strokes. After some practice you=ll even be able to swim upstream.
With regard to the topic at hand, you might ask, ACould I benefit by learning to:
... be more present and focused?@ {Mindfulness Training}
... tolerate uncomfortable emotions without reacting so
strongly?@ {Distress Tolerance Skills}
... relax myself when stressed, anxious, uptight or
overwhelmed?@ {Relaxation Techniques}
…change what I’m
feeling if I want to?” { Emotion Regulation Skills}
... make sure I=m thinking clearly?@ {Cognitive Filtering Techniques}
…stop feeling like a victim?” {PVR Pullout Techniques}
... be more effective in interacting with others?@ {Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills}
Just as you might learn to swim or ride a bike, you can
learn mindfulness, and all the skills I’ll be describing. At first you have to decide AI=m going to practice my lesson@ and consciously pay attention to what=s going on with your body and in your mind, and how to work
toward the goal. After you do this on a
regular basis you no longer have to consciously think about it. It just becomes part of your nature, like
getting on a bike and riding. Eventually
you get to a point when you can see ahead, anticipate problems, and be
prepared or avoid them. Marcia Linehan,
who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy, calls that Acoping ahead@.
By learning and practicing this skill, we create and establish a Ahigher part@ of our mind which becomes more and more in
control of our reactions and our actions.
We develop an ability to Asee from above what=s going on,@ like a traffic helicopter hovering above a busy
intersection, reporting on but not Acaught up@ in what=s going on below.
When we are mindful we are paying attention to what is going on
in t-h-i-s moment.
In a sense time is expanded. More
of our brain is available to analyze what=s going on, and to steady ourselves in our
choice of action. Part of it is Awhoa, slow down... think about what=s happening, and what are my goals and priorities?@ We=re in the present, aware and conscious of what were feeling,
thinking, and feeling like doing, as well as what=s going on around. When you=re interacting with someone, you=re aware of their facial expressions and body posture, and you
probably have a sense of what they=re feeling, and what they want. You can be connected with yourself, another
individual, nature, or with a Sacred Being.
When we are mindful we=re in the present, not in the past, nor in the
future. We=re not putting spins on things. We=re not adding judgments. We=re just seeing clearly what=s going on. For now think of it in terms of a mindfulness muscle
that we have in our brain, which most people don=t know they have, and you can train it.
Mindfulness, or the practice and strengthening of the “wise mind”,
puts you
in the cockpit, the control center, of your life. You’re not distracted by the
past, or worried about the future. You can then look at your navigation panel,
your gauges, and figure out how to get where you’re going. Do I have fuel? (HUNGER). Am I overheated? (ANGER). Are the electronics working? (IS MY THINKING
DISTORTED?). Where am I going? (What are
my VALUES AND PRIORITIES)
Mind Gem #2: Mindfulness is the Master Skill. It puts you in the driver’s seat, in the Present.
Here=s an example of a simple but powerful new concept that can
start you off. Most of the time when we
feel an impulse or emotion, we don=t have to do anything!
We almost always have time to hold back our reactionB what we say or do, and give ourselves extra time to process
what=s happening before we act.
As I become older, and theoretically wiser, I can=t tell you how often I=ve found that keeping my mouth shut, or not lashing out when
I feel like it, has lead to the better outcome.
Emotions are there to grab us, to
suddenly hijack our mind and our body and set us into motion, without having to
think. Anger is there to mobilize us to
attack, fear is there to help us defend, love is to help us connect with
others, and to regenerate our species.
The sudden hijacking of our mind and
body is usually quick and strong, and if you don=t act on it, it sets up a physical
struggle inside. You can learn to win
that struggle as you listen further.
An impulse can suddenly try to yank
us out of the pilot seat. It’s like an
alarm, sometimes it’s the real thing but it may also be a false alarm and
reacting without thinking can be disastrous.
Emotions can be sudden but they can also build, and we can find
ourselves being swallowed up by them before we realize it. We may not be aware that we’ve left the pilot
seat. We can get lost in our “emotional
mind”. [pause]
Mindfulness will teach you to find the driver’s seat and
stay in it. If you hear alarms (strong emotions), and think you have to act
immediately, gem number three reminds you to process what’s going on before
acting.
“I think you should take your job seriously but not
yourself—that is the best combination.”
If your mind is in the past, thinking about your mistakes, blaming yourself or others, feeling
resentful about things, then you’re NOT in the pilot’s seat. If you are worrying about tomorrow, then
you're NOT in the pilot's seat. If you’re judging yourself, wondering if you're
good enough for the job, then you are NOT in the pilot's seat. When you notice yourself slipping out of the
pilot's seat, simply remind yourself to get back into it. One way to do that is to remind yourself to
be present, take a slow deep breath, focus
on your chest, on the physical sensations of the air going in, and then as
you exhale focusing your attention on the sensations of the air coming out.
This brings you physically and mentally into the present from wherever you
were. Each time you notice yourself
leaving the pilot's seat, and nudge yourself back in, you’re practicing
mindfulness.
Now that we’re starting to work on staying in the driver's
seat we can begin to look at the control panel.
Reading our emotions properly and responding in healthy ways can help us
navigate around obstacles and reach beyond our dreams. Trick is, we can't always
trust the instruments. Sometimes when an
alarm goes off, it's a false alarm.
Doing something drastic might get us in trouble. This is how it is with our feelings and
impulses. So we have to understand what can get in the way—how beliefs we
formed in childhood distort, and stick—how what we think we know, and
what we don’t know we don’t know, can blur our view.
Let=s go back to our three important questions.
PBABEBJBO
Are my perceptions accurate?
Emotions justified?
What are the possible outcomes?
PAEJO. Perceptions
Accurate?, Emotions Justified?, Possible Outcomes? I try to remember it as the consequence guy,
Jo, waiting to be paid if I don=t carefully consider the outcomes of my actions and
reactions.
Let’s talk about consequences. We want to move away from
blame, whether it=s blaming others or blaming our self. Instead, the healthier, more effective model
is that there are consequences to our actions, and we must accept them, learn,
modify our behavior. So accept that we
are lifetime students. Blaming and
kicking ourselves, or others, only distracts from the learning process by
adding hurt, shame, anger, and other negative emotions on top of the original
mistake. We can=t change other people who tend to kick themselves or people
around them, but we can choose for ourselves to get out of that kind of
obsessing and abuse of ourself and of others. Getting rid of blame from your
life is related to living nonjudgmentally.
You=ll see that this is also the key to dealing with self-esteem
problems.
Mind Gem # 4: Blame is a
distraction. And
4a: Make a mistake, make a correction.
“Everyone who exalts
himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
If our perceptions are accurate, then our
emotions are probably justified.
However, our perceptions aren=t always accurate.
They=re clouded by our years of programming and biases by our
parents, peers, teachers, clergy, media, and government, to name a few. For most of us our biases and judgements are
so much a part of us that we don=t see them. In
addition to what=s put into our head by others, our thinking is strongly
skewed by the meanings and beliefs that we came up with to interpret what
happened to us along the way. As a
child, we feel rejected at some point, and we think it means that we=re not good enough.
Or that we don=t belong. To a child
the world is black-and-white. You=re good or bad, okay or not OK. These childhood interpretations and beliefs
stick. They tend to run our life behind
the scenes, causing us to shoot ourselves in the foot, repeatedly. It just becomes part of our normal thought
process. I=m different. I have
to prove myself. Am I normal? Or
not? In this childhood world, there=s obsession, about whether we=re good enough, or worthy, and whether other people will
approve of us or not. There is often a
deep fear of abandonment by others and winding up alone. It is a world governed
by insecurity, and anxiety which can spin off all types of defense mechanisms,
compulsions, avoidances, and distractions.
We have all kinds of thoughts going through our mind all the
time. But when those thoughts are about judgingB I=m good or bad, someone else is good or bad, why things are the
way they areB these kinds of thoughts are coming from our inner child,
our emotional mind, which is highly subjectiveB that means it goes more by feelings, impressions, Agut instinct@ rather than facts.
This child in us is always trying to figure out why what happened
happened, and usually overly-interprets events to be about his or her self. This judgmentalness and the false meanings we
make up cause much unnecessary suffering. If you can begin to recognize the
judgmental thinking-- that we grow up with this internal dialogue, the part
that=s wrapped up in our insecurities, then for now you can just
label that and recognize it for what it is, coming from childhood beliefs and
interpretations about why people have done to you what they did. Don=t expect that sort of thinking to stop for now, its not good
or bad, just continue to recognize this every chance you can, and when you do
that you=re practicing aspects of mindfulness.
The following are undeniable facts to remember
when you're practicing mindfulness:
everyone has strengths and weaknesses
we’re all born without a manual
everyone makes mistakes
everyone fails at some things.
Bad things happen to everyone
No such thing as one person being more worthy (or “better”)
than another
No one has a right to judge anyone else (except in a
professional role, such as a teacher or judge).
These facts also remind me to be less afraid of people
judging me, and less judgmental and more compassionate toward others.
When we stop being afraid of how others judge us, it really
removes bonds and limitations that we’ve been imposing on ourself. When we can see that trying to do something
and failing or even earning disapproval or disappointment doesn’t mean we “are
a failure,” we can actually turn around our thinking to the concept that if we
don’t fail at some things, and make a few enemies in life, we’re probably not
putting ourself out there to our fullest potential.
I also don’t want my listeners to now become a bunch of
egotists. We all have greatness inside, the potential to leave a positive mark
on others and on the planet. The more we
are “into ourself” as important we risk building up our ego too much. Think about people you know with “big ego.”
Perhaps they’re really “filled up with themselves.” Many negatives—turns others
off, hard to connect, and in my experiences in the field, “the bigger they are
the harder they fall.”
We do want “ego” as in a healthy, integrated, functional
person. We want our concept of our self “not too low, and not too high.” But
when you think about it, in what ways is it healthy to think about our “self”
and when is it unnecessary? You’ll see if you follow TPM that most of the time
it is unnecessary to think about your “self” at all.
In the bigger scheme of things, we=re fairly insignificant.
We have very limited power. In
100 or 1000 years what will be left of us?
Our lives have no inherent meaning, we have no inherent rights. We were born without a plan for life, and we=re just making it up as we go along. If any of us think we have inherent, or Aspecial@ meaning, or purpose, we=re deluded. Fooling
our-self, and wasting time.
This can also be very liberating. I don=t have to please anyone else, or live up to anyone else=s expectations. I don=t have to keep going round and round in circles trying to
figure out the meaning of life or why I was born. Instead, I can focus on trying to make the
most out of the life I have. I have to
create my own purpose. I have to put
the meaning into my life. When we consider our life in a finite way,
limited in length, abilities, and influence it does make us feel smaller. Imagine projecting yourself toward the end of
your opportunity on Earth, and ask, “What will be important to me then?”
A life consumed by judgmentB judging ourself (good or bad, strong or weak, normal or
not) and being concerned about other people=s judgmentsB is radically distracting.
Opportunities go right by.
You want to shake loose of your judging and not
become too full of yourself.
I see two ways to live.
One is the life of judgment, motivated by our fears of negative
judgments by others. Motivated by guilt. Having to be defensive (Judgement
and fear- driven). People are afraid
to give up judgment. And guilt. They may really believe that their worth is
dependent on other peoples= judgment. This is
what has motivated them their whole life.
Stay out of trouble. Don=t get embarrassed. Please people. There’s a lot of anxiety,
and obsessing. In this world, this way of thinking, the rules go something like
this:
-- There are good people and bad people, you’re adequate
(OK) or not.
-- Whether you’re OK or not depends on other people’s
approval
-- When you make a mistake beat yourself up
But If I don=t have to worry about other people judging me, if I don=t beat myself up then what will motivate me?
Well there=s the alternative, it=s a life that is values- and passion- driven. In this world,
who I am is based on my values and my actions, and what I create with my life.
In this world, we’re more in touch with the “Undeniable facts” I listed
above. We don’t obsess about what other
people think about us because we won’t please everyone and instead we just work
at being the best we can be.
As a Psychiatrist, it’s very interesting that some
medications, in particular the Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, usually shift a
person who is in the world of anxiety, insecurity, self-doubt, severe
judgementalness, within 3 weeks to the world of acceptance, non-judgement, and
much less fear of the opinions of others.
It’s really a chemical thing.
However, when the person goes off the medication, unless they’ve had
some therapy their thinking reverts to the fear-driven rules.
Even just knowing that there’s a different world of
thinking—even though you may not be there yet, is a big step forward. Just start to imagine that there will be a
time when you won’t worry much about what other’s think. You’ll have a big space in your life and in
your mind. This is to make room for your
passions, and your creativity. Values
become the foundation.
Mind Gem #5: The
greatness you can be must always be
balanced by a sense of humility.
Do you have values?
What are your values? If you have
a choice between sticking to your values, or pleasing someone else, which do you
choose? Which is more important for you,
being accepted, or doing what you believe is right? Examples of values which you
might believe in would be honesty, independence, compassion, treating others
with respect, living by The Golden Rule, trying not to hurt others, and
contributing to society and the world.
Make your own list. It has to be your
own, not mine, not your mother’s or father’s. It doesn=t mean that we=ll be perfect at it, but it becomes a guideline or template
for our action choices. When you think
about PAEJO, >what outcome
do I want?,’ your values will be an important guideline. You can=t control if other people will like you. But you can control your choice of actions,
through mindfulness, being present, being aware of your doubts, fears, and
judgements from childhood, and choosing actions which fit your values.
Many people live life by the Reverse Golden Rule,
(“RGR”). We often see the world as
“dog-eat-dog,” everyone out for themselves.
So the belief is “people will treat me selfishly” and the RGR goes
“Treat other people the way you expect them to treat you. This is also known as the “screw-‘em” rule.
You can choose for yourself, and you can choose what you
value in others. I have found that the
“Golden Rule” rather than the RGR has brought me better relationships, and
friends who similarly respect my feelings.
One of the important ways that The Potent Mind works is by
helping you create a new space inside.
When you start to let go of your judgments, and your fears of other
people=s judgments, it will leave you with some emptiness. When you consider your values, your needs,
your strengths and weaknesses, and what gets your juices flowing, you will
begin to imagine new possibilities for your life. Follow your passions. Develop your values. Build your character traits. Use your strengths. Face your weaknesses and shore them up, with
help where needed.
We’re a work in progress.
Here are some character traits and values that I have put
together. You may not agree with all of
them-- you have to work out your own. We=ll never live up to all of them all the time but they are
goals we set that can guide our choices of action.
The
Potent-Minded Individual (PMI):
I.
Has integrity
II.
Has values and tries to live by them
III.
Takes care of own body and mind
IV.
Has good eye contact, hand shake,
says hello to strangers
V.
Is motivated intrinsically, goes
less by external reward
VI.
In general, AIf I do the right thing, good things will happen to me
(although not necessarily immediately)@
VII.
Follows through on what they say,
and they project that
VIII.
Takes responsibility for mistakes
A.
Non-defensive
B.
Non-blaming
C.
Non-violent (except for physical
defense)
D.
Non-judging
IX.
Is firm, persistent, resolute
X.
Has clarity:
A.
Of thinking, intent, purpose,
speech, body language
B.
Of what=s okay and what=s
not okay with them
C.
Of who they want to be around and
who they don=t
XI.
Has presence
A.
Feels like they are focused on you,
focused on the task
B.
AThere for you@ for that time
XII.
Has compassion, empathy, and
generosity
A.
For self: Experiences, acknowledges,
validates their own feelings
Without acting on them impulsively
B.
For others: Can Afeel@ for you, with you, then let it go and not carry it
XIII.
Accepts his/her own strengths,
weaknesses, successes, and failures
As well as those of
others
XIV.
Respects boundaries of others
A.
Accepts that people will do or won=t do whatever they choose
B.
We might influence them but can=t control them
XV.
Is confident and humble
A.
Self-esteem is not an issue at all.
It is not a useful concept. No one is better than or worse than anyone else.
Instead, we try to live each day to the fullest.
B.
Focus is not on worrying about
others, or whether they like us or not. Instead focus is on acting and being
the type of person we strive to be.
XVI.
Teaches that what you do, and who
you are, are even more important, and a better teacher to others, than what you
say
A.
And even more important than people
liking you
B.
AActions speak louder than words@
C.
ASpeak softly and carry a big stick@
“If you think it’s gonna
rain, it will.”
Most
of us don=t recognize the clutter in our minds. Most of what we think, and of
what we feel, is irrelevant. The trick
is focusing on the important stuff. In
the end, its about what we DO. If it is
a value or priority to exercise three times per week, does it matter whether we
Afeel like it@ or Awant@ to? Soon I=ll be helping you to identify and understand your emotions
and impulses more clearly than you ever have before. Listening to our feelings, and whenever
possible being able to act freely and spontaneously are crucial factors in
finding health, happiness, passion, and fulfillment. Yet we need to spend a few
minutes addressing when NOT to listen to ourself.
There
are lots of times that what we feel is not important. AI feel bad...I have a burp...I passed gas...@ we can get too distracted from things that are much more
valuable use of our attention. “I’m too tired” may need to be brushed aside if
we have an important deadline, if we have to get up to feed a child, and many
other times to get what we want in a larger sense.
There
are also times when we may “feel like” doing something that is contrary to our
goals or values, such as buying or eating.
Many of us Afeel like eating@ for emotional reasons, such as loneliness or
frustration. “Feeling like eating” in
these situations is not out of hunger, which we should listen to, but instead
it’s a conditioned response we’ve learned to sooth our negative emotions. As we go down our list of emotions, you=ll learn to Auntwist@ your feelings and better understand when and why you Afeel like@ eating for emotional reasons, and what you can do
instead. When we “feel like” doing
things that are contrary to our values or long-term goals we can learn to
redirect.
In
order for our space ship to perform at peak levels, we must be sure to get
healthy quantities and quality of sleep, and of nutrition. As you take better care of your body by
exercising, reducing stress, and eating better, you will sleep better and have
more energy for exercising and being productive in other ways. Exercising regularly also inoculates you
against the physical and psychological effects of stress.
If
you want to do big things with your life you have to make the little ones
routine, automatic. Whether you feel
like it or not. Examples would be:
Going
to bed and getting up at regular times
Hygiene
Eating
healthy
Positive
Attitude
Exercising
regularly
Exercise
is so important that I have to devote at least another paragraph. It’s hard to imagine a brain able to work
anywhere near it’s peak unless the body is being taken care of. A regular exercise program, which includes
accepting where you are and challenging yourself to be better, will improve
your mental effectiveness and psychological wellness. Strengthening the body strengthens the mind.
As
I described, all the 4 spheres interact.
So there are also ways you can use your mind to strengthen your body (to
get in the habit of exercise):
·
Make exercising a priority at least
three times a week: schedule it
·
Do it whether you feel like it or
not
·
Pay attention to what you say to
yourself about exercising
·
Build in rewards for going
·
Build in consequences for not going.
Examples:
o
No desserts
o
Friend comes over and breaks a CD
o
Write out check to least favorite
charity (ie. American Nazi Party); give it to a friend to mail if goal not met
·
Use music. If you walk, run, use treadmill or
cross-trainer, start with music you like at the pace you currently can go. Find music that is slightly faster and
gradually increase the tempo of music and exercise.
·
You need to focus your mind
primarily on the activity you are doing.
Try to clear your mind of everything else. Use exercise as a time to clear your mind,
perhaps getting into a trance-like state.
·
Imagine how good you’ll feel after
you’re done
When
you do what you have to do before what you want to do, you also
experience a sense of having earned what you want or enjoy. As long as these pleasurable activities are
within the guidelines of your values, you get ‘em guilt-free.
Another
way to look at it is rewarding yourself for doing what you’d rather not
do. I give myself Jacuzzi and steam room
only after exercising. Going out with
friends in college was a reward for getting my work done. You can’t get to be a doctor unless you’re
willing to do a lot of things you’d rather not do along the way. Conversely, if you’re willing to put things
you have to do before the things you want to do, even if you don’t “feel
like” doing them, you can fulfill your dreams.
All of this must be within the guidelines of your value system.
YOU
CAN DECIDE THAT THIS IS HOW YOU WILL LEAD YOUR LIFE!!!
Mind Gem #7:
Procrastination is doing what we feel like doing before what we need to do.
“I don’t know the key to
success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
Some
of what clutters our attention are feelings and sensations, which
are in the body, and probably to a greater
degree our thoughts, which are in the head. We have a chatter in our mind, a Avoice@ that seems objective but its filled with
over-generalizations, black and white thinking, judging, stories and Aspins@ that we put on events.
We=re so used to it it Afeels like us.@ It hooks our
attention and we think it=s reality. We don=t question it.
...
AI don=t make up stories.@
...
AI don=t have a voice in my head.@
Yes
that=s the one. It=s like a running commentary in our mind.
...
AWhy did he do that...?@
...
AWhat=s wrong with me...?@
...
AWhat=s wrong with her...?@
...
AI like this I don=t like that...this is good this is bad...@
It=s the self-talk we=re used to. It seems
like that=s our conscious mind, coming from our objective self, but it
actually is full of those childhood conceptions, beliefs, and limitations. Some might say its our inner child. Its filled with distortions, misconceptions,
and insecurities coming from a belief system we put together when we were about
5 years old. Its been there ever
since. It sticks. It is hard-wired. What we believe is our objective thinking is very
heavily subjectively tainted. It
actually becomes a smokescreen, getting in our way of seeing things as they
really are.
...
AI don=t think like a child!@
That
defensiveness is coming from the child that=s afraid to be judged.
Our
self-talk is geared to survival, self-protection, Afiguring out@ how to be safe. Its
very self-centered. If we want to have a
life beyond simply surviving, we have to look beyond just Aprotecting@ ourself from being embarrassed.
Most
of us trip, over and over again on our fears of being judged, rejected, or Afound out@ to be imperfect or false.
This is a major part of that inner Avoice.@ If its helpful to
consider that voice as your Ainner child@ that=s fine, it sort of is.
But remember that the thinking is just thatB the naïve thinking of a child. Don=t judge yourself because of it, just try to see where it=s coming from, and that its very simplistic. We all have it—it’s with us as we grow up, it
maintains its hold... AI=m different... something=s wrong with me...@. This type of
thinking really limits us. Some people
call Psychiatrists AShrinks.@ I prefer to be an AExpander@B to help people out
of their small, self-centered worlds and to increase their potential for new
and broader perspectives, interactions, and fulfillment.
And
you can’t expand if you’re focusing on what’s wrong.
Mind Gem #8: ShrinkingB
self-centered, Asurviving@
ExpandingB less self, more into the world, connecting
with others and the
universe, Athriving@
“Real integrity is doing
the right thing, knowing nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.”
Learning
to get past your stories and pre-conceptions, and how to listen to your
feelings clearly will help you take better care of yourself and your needs, and
move beyond simply surviving to expand your world, reach out, take risks
and influence others and society.
If
you still don=t believe you make up stories, look around at people near
you now or try walking down the street and listen to the conclusions you draw
in your mind about people you see. Can
you see that they are stories? We take
an observation (tatoo, hairstyle, body) and create a whole story about the
person, and perhaps about what they think of us.
Think
about the stereotype you have of a Psychiatrist. Do I fit the stereotype? I=m not pushing pills, I=m not trying to treat a Adisorder@ but we all tend to put people in categories,
over-generalize, and then act and react based on our assumptions, rather than
the realities of the individual. We do the same to ourselvesB categorizing and over-generalizing (ie. AI=m weak)
A
lot of what we normally see as Areality@ is influenced by our stories and interpretations of events
growing up. So, many of our feelings are
based on distortions of reality. If you
grow up believing AI=m different@ or AI=m a victim@ then you will have emotional reactions to events that have
little relationship to reality. As an
adult, you may know that Aeveryone=s different, unique... and in many ways we are alike@ or that Ayou may have been a victim in some ways as a child but you=re not a victim now.@ However, at the gut
level the childhood beliefs hold fast. A
common mistake is for people to wait for these beliefs to change before they
think or act differently. Instead, we
need to accept that these beliefs are there, they become hard-wired and often
self-fulfilling. The bad news is that
the childhood beliefs deep down may never go away, the good news is that you
can learn to work around them. It starts
out with a willingness to question your beliefs. You must be willing to let go of what you
believe is perfectly logical, or what you feel deeply in your gut. If you=re confused about what thinking is rational and what is not,
that=s good. Its ok not to
be sure. The trick is learning to
perceive events without our usual distortions and pre-conclusions, then trust
the emotions that are left. For
centuries most people believed that the universe revolved around the
Earth. Later that was proven wrong, and
that our planet (and by implication we
ourselves) were less important than we thought. As children, we believe the world revolves
around us. As we grow up, on one level
we learn it does not. But on another
level we still think it does.
There are several techniques to help us straighten out our
self-talk.
Analyze
Why do I think this way?
Understanding why you think the way you do is helpful to a
point but won=t change how
you think. You don=t need to understand why in detail, only be able to identify
what thinking is distorted and how to straighten it out. Therapies that spend a great deal of time
analyzing and asking why are not cost- or time- effective.
Many or us become too caught up in our head, going in around
in circles asking AWhy?...Why?...@ or A...what does this mean?... What does that mean?...@
Positive thinking
AI=m not bad, I=m good... I=m not a failure, I=m a success@ When you feel like a
failure and someone tells you to think of yourself as a success, how much do
you believe that? Telling yourself that
you are good, or a success, or strong, is simply perpetuation of the same black
and white thinking from childhood. Many
well-meaning therapists, family, and friends feed into this, transmitting their
own automatic judgemental thinking. The
concept is AYes the world is black and white, there are good people and
bad people, strong people and weak ones, and you are one of the good (or
strong) ones.@ (like you=ll believe that!)
Positive thinking (sometimes framed as Aaffirmations@) is just as distorted as negative thinking!! Predicting that the day will turn out well is
just as distorted as predicting it will turn out lousy. We can=t predict the future.
Also, most days have both positive and negative aspects. Categorically stating that someone is normal
or not normal, strong or weak, its all black and white thinking, the way a
child thinks.
I prefer a different type of thinking... ANeutral@thinking. People are
not strong or weak, all good or all bad.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
No one is more or less Aworthy@ than anyone else....
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Identifying distortions and neutralizing them. CBT is well-established as effective
psychotherapy for a variety of psychological problems. It also provides useful tools to sort out our
thinking and help distinguish between irrational thoughts (tied in with
childhood beliefs) and objective thoughts.
The ABehavioral@ part also provides tools to reinforce the objective
thinking and to put that into action.
Mindfulness/meditation approach
(More recently being combined with CBT)
A large part of practicing mindfulness is being present to
your own thoughts and feelings, and where they are coming from. In DBT, the practice strengthens the AWise Mind@ which becomes increasingly proficient at identifying and
sorting feelings from the AEmotional Mind@ and thoughts from the ARational Mind.@ Most of this workshop
will be about better understanding our AEmotional Mind,@ But here I=ve wanted you to see that our ARational Mind@ isn=t always rational, and we need to develop and strengthen our
AWise Mind@ to continually be sorting it all out.
Blow it out of the water
Landmark Forum. This
is a very intense cognitive workshop designed to quickly show people their
automatic assumptions, judgements and beliefs that come from childhood, and how
to think beyond them. The techniques and workshop designs are really very
powerful for many people who have been held back by inaccurate beliefs carried
over from childhood. As a therapist and
as a participant I have seen many people benefit from this program. It involves an extensive weekend workshop
(The Forum) plus options to go further.
After The Forum, which I took with my wife, we were asked if was ABrainwashing.@ Reflexively, and
defensively, we started to say no, but then we agreed it was like our brains
were Awashed@ clean of certain beliefs and ways of thinking. Unlike a Acult@ there=s no leader you follow or any specific way you should
think. Its more about cleaning out your
cobwebs just to make way for new thinking and perspectives. Its not for everyone but you should check out
their website.
So you=re a space ship. You
want a wise pilot in control. Our wise
pilot has a place to go, a job to do.
He/she has lots of dials and gages to monitor in order to go in the
right direction and arrive safely. Gages
report speed, altitude, etc. A lot of our
dials are about what we=re feeling at the momentB are we feeling love, anger, or what? Are we feeling like hugging someone or hitting
them? (Or both?). Are we feeling like
running away? Consider these feelings and impulses as simply input and initial
impressions that are coming in, not necessarily Athe thing to do.@ It=s only information for you to consider. The wise pilot has to be aware of the status
of the plane, what the goals are, and when problems arise that require
attention.
Like
a new pilot, there is a lot that distracts us, a lot of information which is not
crucial to accomplishing the job.
For example, every little shake of the plane, or how we feel about the
stewardess. In addition, our new pilot
begins unable to interpret or appreciate the value of the dials (Awhat we=re feeling isn=t important@), and is more concerned with Alooking good@ to others rather than concentrating on the tasks. He or she will become a better pilot as they
learn to filter out what isn=t important and focus on what is. What isn=t important is worrying about how we look to othersB that can only take our mind away from what we need to do to
look good, namely to focus on the job and do it well. Also, to pilot ourself most effectively, we
need to be clear about our gages, and to interpret events objectively; we must
be able to recognize the distortions that can come from our ARational Mind@ and move them aside.
Also, we=ll soon see how unhealthy emotions, such as anxiety,
frustration, and depression can cloud our instrument panel and interfere with
our reading.
To
summarize, when we want to know if our perceptions are accurate, we have to
check in to see that we=re thinking clearly, free of distortion, not adding spins or
snap judgments. We may be seeing our
feelings clearly and accurately, but these feelings are not justified if they
are based in distortions or misinterpretations.
Unlike what we are taught
growing up you should trust your feelings but question your thinkingB the judgments, spins, and automatic reactions in our mind.
AThinking inside the box@ of our restrictive programming is where we usually get into
trouble. It is inflexible, poorly
adaptive, and prevents change. You can
learn more about how to identify and neutralize these distortions which we are
all subject to by pursuing Cognitive Therapy resources. By actively monitoring your thoughts and
weeding out distortions you will be reprogramming yourself, fertilizing and
expanding your mind.
“We are as effective at
stopping an emotion as we are at preventing a sneeze.”
We can also see that there are times when our perceptions are
accurate and emotions are justified, but holding on to the emotion
is no longer in our best interest. When
we see that clearly it then becomes much easier to let it go. Learning how to let go of emotions that are
not useful to you is a valuable skill.
Not only does that contribute to more of a sense of calm and comfort,
but it=s also becoming more and more clear in research studies that
constant stress takes heavy tolls in terms of depletion of important hormones,
cardiovascular disease, our ability to fight infections, and brain cells
dying. These are just a few of the ways
that our mind and body interact, and how strengthening your mind will also
strengthen your body. I=ll teach you several effective techniques to change the way
you feel, to let go of negative emotions when you decide that=s in your best interest.
Listening
to our feelings when they are justified is an important key to finding
happiness, passion, and fulfillment. And
there are many times we may listen to our justified feelings and file the
action away for later, in order to obtain a more desirable outcome.
Our
programming and biases include what we believe about our feelings, whether a
particular feeling is good or bad, or whether we are good or bad, normal or
not. For our intents and purposes let=s just say the feeling is there, and not add whether it=s good or bad. Let=s try by looking at our feelings without judging them. You
have to strip away your thinking for now and just get physical. Emotions are in the body. For this segment, thinking will only get in
the way.
As
we talk about each feeling or emotional state, keep in mind that we=re trying to describe what happens in the body, not in the
head. Feelings are not thoughts, they=re physical. As I
describe each feeling, and ask you to consider what it feels like to you, if
you describe what you think, then you=re in your head. That=s not gonna help us.
You have to get into your body to feel your feelings, and to understand
them. We want to feel them, Ahear@ what they have to say, but not intellectualize about
them. If you get into your head, you=re back into your programming and biases and
brainwashing. This will confuse and
distract you.
Mind
Gem # 10: Feelings are in your body, not in your head and
Mind Gem # 11: Don=t judge your feelings.
END OF PART 1 OF “THE
POTENT MINDӈ
For the rest, Buy the CD! Or e-mail 4U2Getwell@sbcglobal.net
